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You could read more articles by Daniela Ș., Psychologist
Why do we need suffering?
Life events sometimes put us in unexpected situations, which we are not ready to face and for which we have to build our wings in flight.
Today I want to talk about the case when our children are brutally faced with the loss of a close person, which, even if they are not part of the family, means a lot to them, is a landmark and maybe even a model.
No matter what the schooling options are, online or with a physical presence, the suffering of children is experienced in the same way. Physical distance does not mean emotional distance. Maybe quite the opposite.
Children feel the need to talk about things they don't understand. All smartphones have technological capabilities that, despite the natural restrictions of meeting face to face, allow children to communicate with each other, with their colleagues, with friends, sharing thoughts and emotions after the death of someone who was part of their school community.
Even if there are a lot of virtual opportunities, parents can help their children to express directly and more effectively everything they feel and think, to honour a deceased teacher, a friend or a member of the school staff, encouraging them to talk about it, to write memories, to draw pictures and share them. Nothing gets pushed under the rug.
The range of reactions that children manifest in response to death may include:
• Emotional shock and sometimes an apparent lack of feelings, which helps the child to detach from the pain of the moment;
• Regressive (immature) behaviour, such as the refusal of separation from parents, the requirement to sleep in the parent's bed or an apparent difficulty in performing normal tasks well;
• Explosive emotions and behaviour that reflect anger, terror, frustration, and helplessness. Behaviour in this range may reflect insecurity and a way to seek control over a situation for which they feel they have no control at all;
•Repeated questions. Not because they do not understand the facts, but rather because the information is hard to believe or accept.
What do we adults do?
• All children are different, and their vision of the world is unique and shaped by different experiences. Discussions about death must be oriented towards their level of development, respecting their sensibilities, their ability to understand the situation and in accordance with the cultural norms in which they grow up. Children are aware and imitate the significant reactions of the adults around them. Especially for children in primary school, adult behaviour will play a particularly important role in shaping their perceptions of the situation. It is the age when children begin to understand the purpose of death and that certain circumstances can lead to death. They hear about accidents, about unfortunate events. At this age, death is perceived as something that happens to others, not to those close to them.
• Mourning is a process, not an event: children need time to grieve in their own way. The pressure to go back to the ’normal‘activities without the chance to express their emotional pain can cause additional problems or negative reactions.
• Do not lie or tell children half-truths about the tragic event: children are often bright and certainly sensitive. When they sense false information, children wonder why adults do not trust them. Lying is never a cure.
• If there is no opportunity to participate in a goodbye ritual, you can initiate your own ceremony at home. It can be as simple as lighting a candle and sharing memories of the person who left.
Despite the challenges of physical distancing, the worst thing we can do is do nothing. Instead, we show our children that in the midst of difficult times, we will find ways to honour and remember those who disappear from us during this time of forced separation.
Rules?
Why are rules so hard to respect? I asked 16-year-old Anna. She wrote:
Restrictive
Ugly
Labelling
Exasperating
Sabotage
That is how rules make me feel, she answered.
During the last few months, characterised by new rules to be respected by everyone, I often hear teenagers exclaim: 'Oh, no! More rules?'
Teens love their independence, and they are always ready to test the limits. These are nothing else but the characteristics of their normal development. They change physically, emotionally and socially. And even if these phenomena are as old as Earth itself, parents are never ready to find the balance that gives their children the appropriate freedom, while still giving them the necessary guidance.
When new and incomprehensible rules come into their lives, they will always try to debate and to argue when adults say 'Do this or that'. And most of the time they are very well informed and consequently their arguments are, at least at first glance, almost unbeatable.
For instance, a good strategy that teenagers use is to ask for enough time needed to prove they can achieve the desired outcome through their own way of acting.
This can work during normal periods. But what do we do when the danger of Covid is still strongly present, and the persistence of teenagers claiming independence is just as strong?
Be well informed.
Follow the same rules.
It is time for changes.
Brainstorming.
Be innovative.
Ask your children to suggest sources of information they believe in. Do not criticise, even if you are not incredibly happy with the type of info they provide. Share with them the sources you have used. Find common grounds between the two types of sources and highlight them. Prove to them, in this way, that your opinions are not so different.
When you decide that you need a new and unique set of rules for the period you are going through, you should also establish that it is valid for the whole family. This time, the consequence is not a bad grade; it is about health and even about life. Be the model children need. Do not underestimate the power of personal example.
It may be time for changes in your relationship. Instead of being the helicopter parent who oversees and controls everything, it is time to become the parent partner for playing, talking, listening, acting, finding solutions, etc.
It is as clear like as daylight: teenagers will never do what they are told to do, but only what they consider appropriate, to do. So instead of dictating what they must do, it's more helpful to invite them to find solutions. Brainstorm! Step carefully into your teen's world and invite their friends into this process. Are they more comfortable doing something over social media or through text messages? Do the same.
Masks? All right. Let’s create some. For our friends and us. Or even for sale, why not? And in the same note of innovation, make more words game for what rules can signify. For instance:
Respect
Unify
Love
Experience
Sensibility
Escape Room
These last months, characterized by indeterminate isolation, panic over rare sources and information overload, have been a breeding ground for uncontrolled anxiety. Parents and adolescents turned to the psychologist for intense episodes of panic attacks.
The idea for this article was suggested to me by a teenager who compared his condition during a panic attack to the feeling he has when he cannot solve the steps to get out of the Escape Room.
The instinctive response to a panic attack is one that makes the problem bigger than Goliath. The way to overcome panic attacks requires behaviours that are quite different from what we usually do. By keeping the same pattern, we will get the same result. If you are looking for effective solutions to reduce and then eliminate panic attacks, try to look for the ones that are right and appropriate for you.
One of the most productive ways to work with panic attacks in therapy is to answer the following questions, firstly: What panic means to me?
Find your sense of humour and write the answers down on paper, then read further.
Most of my clients describe it in terms of:
a big, scary trap
a small, dark room where they cannot breathe
a huge hand holding their throat
a big, big stone right on their chest
a crazy carousel that cannot be stopped
A person experiencing a panic attack often feels trapped in a place from which he seems to have no way out. Now we go further with the second question:
What a trap means to me?
” A place from where I do not have tools to manage to escape”, Michael, 18 years, told me.
With some imagination, Michael and I found the rules for a way out. It looks like Escape Room strategies:
Recognize and understand what is going on
Accept it.
Wait and breathe calmly.
Be an observer
Any progress begins with this. From the point where we recognize and understand the present reality and the challenges. In other words: "I admit that I am afraid and that I am starting to panic. I will not try to ignore or pretend that the Bogeyman is not there”.
Try this imagination game:
You are competing against an ugly giant: you hold one end of a rope, and he holds the other. Between the two of you, there is a bottomless pit. You pull back as far as you can, but he pulls too, hard, you start approaching the abyss. What is the best thing to do in this situation? Pulling harder is an instinct, but keep in mind that the harder you do it, the harder he will pull back. You are stuck. What should you do? Letting go of the rope means the monster is still there, but you are no longer tied up in a fight with him. Only now can you do something more useful and tell yourself:
“I admit that I am afraid, not that I am in danger.”
Accept that you are afraid now. This Escape Room is an unknown place for you. Stop struggling with that feeling, simply accept it. Overcoming a panic attack starts with working with, not against it. Always remember that even if it makes feel you awful, a panic attack is not dangerous. It does not put your life in danger. When you are in the Escape Room, even if you do not have the right solution, you accept this shortcoming and your limits at that moment. And always remember that the resources are right there in 'the room' with you.
So, tell yourself:
” What I feel is a natural manifestation of my body. I accept and understand it. My life is not in danger. I can find resources in these feelings."
A panic attack has the power to enslave your ability to think clearly. Your breathing is uneven and fast. Even if the desire to get out of that situation is immense, wait and breathe regularly.
Inhale and exhale. Imagine that you are inhaling a good chunk of clean air and exhaling whatever is terrible in your body at that moment.
You will notice a small difference in how you feel in just a few seconds, and your mind will be much clearer in helping you find the way out. Tell yourself:
I breathe...I breathe.... I breathe. So, if I can do this, the panic will not kill me. I will be free soon.
One of the best ways to observe the deployment of forces in a panic attack and how we respond to it is to complete a panic log. My clients often report that filling out a journal helps them to remain calm and vigilant. The requirements in the diary are all related to what you feel during an attack. It just helps you to keep your emotions in rational control. By completing a log during a panic attack, you assume the role of an observer, rather than remaining the victim. Often, when you try to solve one of the problems of the Escape Room, you are just in the middle of it, and it is tough to see the clues; which sometimes are clear and close to you. So, just step out of the problem. If a diary is too pretentious for your tastes, simply take a sheet of paper and write down all the symptoms. They will fade away as you release them down on paper. Just tell yourself:
I record my feelings, and I line them up on paper just to see them from the outside.
And now the greatest scientifical discovery; every panic attack ends no matter what you do, even if you feel so bad at that moment and refuse to believe it, it will end.
The Mirror
When for various reasons, we have to spend more time than usual with our children, things that we used to put in the background become visible and generate many questions, even perplexities. We look at our children and wonder why they behave in a certain way, and we try to discover the reasons why. Sometimes it's very hard to find them. But if we turn the mirror towards ourselves, we may be surprised to find the answers we are looking for staring directly back at us.
Anca is 40 years old and the mother of a 9-year-old girl, Sonia. She is also the one who inspired me to write this short article after she told me the following story:
"During the isolation period, more than ever, Sonia came and woke me up in the morning. Almost every time I told her: 'please don't wake me up so early'. Suddenly, I realised that I sounded just like Sonia when I had to wake her up for school."
Anca is 40 years old and the mother of a 9-year-old girl, Sonia.
She is also the one who inspired me to write this short article after she told me the following story:
"During the isolation period, more than ever, Sonia came and woke me up in the morning. Almost every time I told her: 'please don't wake me up so early'. Suddenly, I realised that I sounded just like Sonia when I had to wake her up for school."
And that was the bell that woke up my therapeutical thoughts: in how many ways can a child 'awaken' a parent? And how do children mirror their parents?
I wonder if we realise what a great gift children offer to parents by mirroring our behaviour. Although not comfortable most of the time, one of the most powerful tools is to go deep within our subconscious and to adjust our parental actions. It is a never-ending story: each generation recreates the dynamic of its own childhood.
Maybe we are not aware of this phenomenon in our daily life, but in some special conditions, as isolation was, a lot of aspects become more evident.
For instance, Anca told me that she never noticed how much Sonia's behaviour screams: ''I want you to trust me and let me do things alone''.
"I always used to prepare breakfast by myself. I considered that as normality.
I didn't even think for a minute how important it would have been for Sonia to involve her or perhaps, to have enough confidence and let her prepare breakfast on her own from time to time. It was like I saw her for the first time in the kitchen when she suddenly started to make some sandwiches. Very creative! She reminded me of myself when I was around nine years old, and my mom used to tell me: 'get out of the kitchen! I have work to do!'.And so, I resisted the impulse to send my daughter away.''
Sonia just mirrors the wounds from Anca's past. Just like Sonia, all children are capable of helping us become aware of them and freeing us of this misconception. It is a process. Do not feel discouraged if, despite all your good intentions, you repeat the same patterns of behaviour. Every time we become aware of certain parental attitudes, we have the opportunity to change them or to strengthen them. How to choose which is which? Just look in the mirror. Here are some control questions:
Do you think your child:
-feels safe with you when he wants to start new things?
- expresses his fears, uncertainties, feelings, needs in front of you?
-feels you trust in her/his potential?
-always expects your approval for her/his actions?
- hides some of her/his decisions for fear of your disapproval?
-feels that she/he does not live up to your expectations?
Can you say Yes to all of these? Would you like to be able to say No to the last three of them?
During your childhood, were you ever starved of your parents' approval? How did you feel? What did you think? After you answer these questions, do this exercise: imagine yourself as a child, and that you feel unconditionally accepted and encouraged. Yes, even if we do not believe it, every child knows and understands that their behaviour is sometimes inappropriate. Sometimes. So, instead of not trusting them all the time, teach them boundaries. Healthy boundaries. If you as an adult have these healthy limits, the child will learn fast and easy. If not, begin this journey with yourself. In time, a lot of your child's attitudes will be modified, even without your intervention. They will mirror the new you.
I have often heard parents complain that their children are, 'like this and like that'. I asked them what kind of adult they would like their child to become, and this usually begins a detailed description of a model adult. I then encourage them to become that adult themselves. Children grow up by imitation. They just mirror patterns. That is all they do. Simple. And the closest models are their parents.
While you may believe your most important task is to raise your child well, there is something you might have missed: raise yourself as the parent to be mirrored.
Do you like the way you see yourself? I hope you answered ''Yes''.
What? ODD?
As many behavioural manifestations of our adolescents have found suitable ground during this period of isolation, the cases that come to a therapist's office, highlight aspects that often reach critical levels. The tools that parents previously considered effective, are now proving to be much weaker in these new conditions. This is also the case with ODD behaviour.
Teenagers all around the world behave similarly, and it is widely known that it is part of their development to oppose authority. Often they express this opposition by arguing, disobeying, or talking back to adults. When this behaviour becomes excessive compared to what is usual for their age, we are probably confronted with a type of behaviour disorder called an 'oppositional defiant disorder' or ODD.
This behaviour often disrupts daily activities, including those within the family structure and at school. Associated with ODD, we also find other behavioural problems: attention deficit disorder, learning disabilities, mood disorders and anxiety disorders.
"Well, it looks like my 15-year-old son has ODD...", a mother told me a few days ago. I asked her to check the list below. If she can answer 'Yes' only for the phrases in the right column, then we have an adolescent who is learning the language of expressing opinions, who wants to be heard and listened to, and who is still clumsy in expressing his needs. Parents are also often surprised by the sudden growth of their child.
But if she says 'Yes' when adding the words from the left column, then we talk about ODD symptoms.
Excessively argues with parents and teachers
Constantly blames others for his mistakes/failures
Ostentatiously refuses to comply with rules
Deliberately tries to annoy others
Extremely easy to be annoyed by others
Usually swears and uses obscene words when he is asked to do something
Frequently has outbursts of anger
Most of the time seeks revenge
Most of his answers are mean and hateful.
The roots of ODD are not entirely known. Like many other disorders, ODD is a combination of biological, hereditary and environmental factors.
Biological: this disorder has been linked to abnormal functioning of some types of brain chemicals or neurotransmitters.
Hereditary: it has been observed that many adolescents with ODD have close family members with mental disorders, anxiety disorders or personality disorders.
Environmental: we first talk about dysfunctional family life and inconsistent discipline by parents.
When you as a parent consults a psychotherapist, you have to be prepared to work together with your child. He can not just be 'fixed', and that is it.
The work in psychotherapy aims to help children in developing effective coping and problem-solving skills and ways to express and control anger. It is almost like reframing the child's thinking to improve behaviour. Family therapy is also used to improve family interactions and communication between family members. Very often, behaviour management plans, built within therapy, involve contracts between parents and the child that identify rewards for changes and consequences for non-changes for both parts.
Over the years, I have come to understand that parents need support and understanding, so they can truly help their child and themselves. Here are some of the observations and comments made by a few parents I worked with lately. It can be a guide for other parents.
I utilised every moment of cooperation with my daughter, and I treasured it. Things moved. Not with the speed I expected, but they moved.
I learnt to breathe in the tensest moments. It was extremely helpful. Instead of yelling and jumping up and down, I took a few seconds, to just breathe. The result was amazing. My daughter was totally surprised, and she was forced to find other ways to cope with the new situation.
I stopped being exclusively preoccupied with her behaviour. I just moved the spotlight on to other aspects; like my hobbies. I realised that all I did before was to keep an eye on her, which was suffocating and useless. With no significant effort, she started to come to me more often. I became interesting, not repetitive and boring.
I discovered the benefits of my therapy. I had some old and hidden issues that were a part of the causes in my son's ODD.
I changed my speech in a way that put me in the same boat with my child and not leaving him alone in the storm. Instead of directive sentences, I used questions: what do you think? what/how would you like to do? what/how do you feel? what can I do?
And do not be ashamed, neither you nor your child. ODD is one of the most common behavioural disorders. Around 12% of all children develop ODD. Of course, the actual percentage rate of ODD is still debatable. The consensus is that ODD affects between 2 and 16% of all children. It was previously believed to affect mainly boys, but it has now been established that girls also develop it.
Most children can overcome this disorder through correct therapy. Statistics show that about 70% of children that undergo appropriate treatment and care, will have no behavioural problems by the age of 18.
Mommy, why are you sleeping with my daddy?
Argument:
During the period of isolation imposed by the emergence of Covid, many of the unresolved problems of the parent-child relationship or couple's relationships have worsened. The extended time spent together has put the spotlight on vulnerabilities and blockages in communication. One of the problems that several mothers addressed during this period to the therapist is related to children still sleeping in their parents' bed, even up to a relatively advanced age. If finding a solution to this problem before isolation was postponed for whatever reason, parents then assumed that during this time together, it would have been much easier to solve the problem.When that didn't happen, parents began to wonder what was actually stopping them from taking action.
Parents (especially mothers) who allow their children to sleep in their bed for many years, sometimes even up to the age of puberty, often say that they have no idea how they got to this point. "I just felt like she/he needed me." And the questions I frequently ask are:
- Do you think it's the need of your child or yours? And if it's yours, what would it be? If you go deeper, what do you feel is behind this need? What purpose does it serve?
If you are among the parents who postpone the moment of separation without real, objectively justified reasons, try answers these questions yourself. Then read the following observations and take advantage of this knowledge:
Sleeping with the child until/near puberty can have long-term effects:
an eroded couple relationship (studies have shown an increase in divorce rates in couples who have such behaviour towards children); the child needs to understand the significance of the relationships that exist around him, and this process begins in the family; confusion of roles and responsibilities can be transferred to adulthood, endangering the development of forming healthy boundaries in relationships
future teenagers who have sleep problems that in turn cause a range of manifestations: memory loss, fatigue, low energy, and even obesity
future adolescents and adults with a high degree of anxiety
adolescents with a low level of self-confidence
children and adolescents who refuse to take part in multi-day trips, camps or sports camps, thus considerably reducing their ability to adapt and integrate
"And now what? Joanna is already ten years old. Can I do something? I want you to know that I tried, but every time she feels betrayed and asks me: Mommy, why do you sleep with my dad and not with me? Can I do something now without hurting her? " Yes, you can. Harder than it would have been nine years ago, for example, but you can:
Accept that a change in behaviour is needed and commit to doing it, with all that it entails.
Expect strong resistance, but do not use force. And no radical decisions. Explain that it's time to trust her. Turn the request into an offer. Celebrate, if necessary, the change as a child's success. In fact, it's a parent's success. Show her the things you can only do with her father, the things you can only do with her, and the things you can all do together.
Replace your presence at night with the attention you give her before bed: things you do together, the hygiene program, a few minutes to ask her how she felt during the day, to tell her how your day was, etc.
Emphasize the importance and benefits of changing the behaviour of both: privacy, independence, responsibility, age, etc.
Please note that the child's anxiety, low confidence in his actions and dependence during the day, are all related to their inability to trust that they can sleep alone at night.
With constant and sustained intervention, most children will acquire new and healthy habits. And we, the parents, with them.
The New Normal
The decision to close all schools to slow down the spread of the coronavirus SARS-CoV-2 keeps us all safe and well. We have been asked to stay at home and to practice social/physical distancing. It is a very unusual situation, never faced before, but we have to follow the right advice to get through this. This pandemic has changed everyone’s daily routines.
Children and adolescents may be struggling with these changes. They will miss their friends, school routine and extra-curricular activities. We are all in a period of adjustment, where we have to find appropriate things that can help us and our children overcome this temporary setback. Children and young people need more support to give them a sense of control of their lives. Routines and schedules are ways to helping them and to let them feel more secure and reassured.
Most of the children and adolescents react to what they see from the adults around them. When parents deal with this new situation confidently, they can provide the best support for children. Parents can be more reassuring to the children if they are better prepared.
We can support this by letting them create a daily plan. Younger children (and not only) will need your help.
In order to assist parents, we can provide daily suggestions for the plan of the day.
In January 2020 the World Health Organization (WHO) declared the outbreak of a new coronavirus disease, COVID-19, to be a Public Health Emergency of International Concern. WHO stated that there is a high risk of COVID-19 spreading to other countries around the world.
All of this is taking its toll on people's mental health, particularly those already living with conditions like anxiety and OCD. So how can we protect our mental health?
Please note that the British School of Bucharest is not responsible for the content on these external pages and, as usual, we advise you to monitor your children’s online activity.
BSB is adapting to the current climate. Some information on the website is available for normal School activity. Due to COVID-19, there may be changes in the way School works, but all staff are fully operational and can be contacted via office@britishschool.ro.
